Here’s how this works.
I’m first going to refer you to a new favorite site – The Weekly Vice – which is sort of like an offshoot of The Smoking Gun. Except Weekly Vice is far more opinionated and often constructed around some of the lesser genetic building blocks of humanity. Always an interesting read just to remind yourself how all these cosmically infinite genetic permutations result in some characters that are ten blocks south of heinous. Or just ridiculous.
We’ll start off with Mr. Stephfon Bennett, who as WV mentions is “a special kind of stupid.” Dude pulls a gun on a woman, robs her and shows up a few hours later to ask her on a date. Turns out, this is not an advised way to get a girl’s attention. She calls the cops, he gets booked, and we wonder what magical crystals this guy had to be mashing up to craft that plan.
After the jump are some more faith-in-humanity-destroying cases, so I’ll warn you not to hit the jump if you’re not into peeping the darker side of this world. Or just don’t want to kill a good mood. Because some of these cases probably will.
First up is the case of an 18-year-old Louisiana teenager caught masturbating in a used car lot. This probably wouldn’t be as newsworthy had he not gone with the auspicious wardrobe selection of panties and fishnet stockings. Being in possession of a pink dildo, porno and hand lotion probably didn’t help matters. I have to say, in this case, I kinda feel for the guy though. Is whacking it in public dressed like Amy Winehouse a smart move? Probably not. But this is all the guy will probably be known for, and for the rest of his life. I’m sure he’s straight as a circle, so he probably doesn’t have to worry about girlfriend finding out, but to each his/her own on the matter of orientation. And if this is how he goes down trying to get in touch with his (haha puns), that kinda is sad, no? Imagine if he does go on to father a brood. Quote the last friend his first son will ever have: “dude, is this a picture of your dad?”
Next up we get the most creative attempt at adjourning court award. After bitching about hunger pains for a few minutes, defendant James Orr – on trial for charges of robbery – proceeded to remove his colonoscopy bag and eat its contents. Needless to say, the court cleared out like they’d just been exposed to nerve gas, and Orr tallied some points in his favor in regards to his insanity plea. What movie was it where the guy spread peanut butter on his ass and then pretended to dook in front of the court and do the same? I’m reminded of that.
And speaking of eating shit, ol’ Gary Moody just can’t get enough of it. Busted for the second time on charges of climbing into a campground pit toilet and anxiously waiting for a golden shower. Now, the Orr case is beyond screwed, don’t get me wrong. But this is another level entirely. Anyone who has ever been camping, or forced to seek relief in the Great Outdoors, knows how a pit toilet works. Basically there’s a hole, you do your biz, and we all hope there’s not a water source within five miles. Moody climbed into that to get a perspective from under the bleachers. I’m sure the 9-year-old who found him and screamed hysterically until Moody was apprehended will be scarred for life. Probably won’t go to the bathroom ever again because he’s sure someone is going to crawl out of the toilet.
And moving on to more serious matters, and perhaps the biggest buzzkill (and springboard to ranting)…
Some Hispanic chick with a silly name killed her 5-week-old son and stuffed his body in a trash can. Why? Because he was conceived when she had sex with a minor. All the gory details are in there, and I don’t need to re-hash them. I completely agree with the editorial stance that this woman deserves to be executed. No, not just executed. Tortured. Some barbaric, William Wallace shit. It’s just hard to fathom the evil that some people do, how they rationalize it. How you can take a mug-shot with a game face and some tattoo tears after beating an infant to death because you feared prosecution (and were an unfit mother, by that goes without saying I suppose.)
I’m really not one of those “woe are we, this world sucks” kinda people. I do see the good things in this world, and I’d like to think I appreciate them. I don’t think the bad outweighs the good, or that we’re only as good as our most primal member of the human species. That said, though, are these people even a part of the human species? Is that possible? Isn’t there some base set of morals and ethical operation that’s programmed into us? I’ll just never understand how someone can reach the point where they just subvert something I understand to be underlying. You poll the planet, multi-millionaire or third world, sales associate or hunter-gatherer, Hindu or Christian, and I believe there is some universal understanding that this kind of activity…well, it’s not just wrong, is it? And it’s not reprehensible and it’s not contemptable and it’s not evil. It’s something beyond even those words. That’s something that I believe all humans should understand. But they don’t.
I don’t understand how some people can deviate so far from what I consider to be a fairly large window of societal operation. It can’t be as simple as a mental illness. Yet it can’t be systemic either. It’s almost as if there is a gene that goes uncoded for all the “normal” people out there – normal taxpayers, normal criminals, normal “deviants” – that gets switched on in a handful of individuals and detaches them entirely from an inherent sense of acts beyond banality. Again, this isn’t as simple as saying that their “moral compass is off”, that due to environmental factors they do not recognize the same sense of right-and-wrong as most people. Even most common criminals would denounce this woman. Because there’s wrong, there’s wrong, and there’s this. A calloused, calculated decision of the worst kind.
Anyway, that’s my rant. And I’m sorry – I realize it doesn’t include music or movie scoops or anything like that. But I warned you before the jump. I just thought it was a site worth sharing and an issue worth speaking about. I’m not going to make it a habit to use MJ for diatribe purposes, but after reading that last case, doing anything but writing about it felt wrong.
